screening day 1: potential test subjects asked to undergo thorough health screenings, mental batteries, and psychological evaluation. two possible candidates stand out- GW, born 2/22/1732 and NB 8/15/1769. both are successful, accomplished men, perfect for our study. our decision will be based on the interview as both are fit.
screening day 2: based on the interview we have chosen GW as our candidate.
day 1- test subject asked to sit stationary for one hour watching an assortment of prime time TV from the last twenty years. our choices for today's session were: married... w/children, dragnet, and buffy: the vampire slayer (one episode each).
RESULTS: subject communicates a general apathy toward the subject matter and has little/no interest in topics covered in the shows. his interest rests more in the effects and moral underpinnings of the shows themselves.
day 2- GW asked to sit stationary for two hours watching TV shows: i love lucy, south park, twin peaks, the honeymooners, the carol burnett show, all in the family (one episode each).
RESULTS: GW communicates a general malaise from both the physical and intellectual nature of the study. his sentiment toward the subject mater is still apathetic- no interest shown in either cultural or economic interests the episodes convey. GW has asked for periodic walking breaks which we have denied. GW wishes to cut off the remainder of the test and go home. we convinced him otherewise for the sake of science.
day 3- GW asked to sit stationary for three hours while watching (one episode each): american idol, arrested development, hawaii 5-0, dallas, cheers, M*A*S*H, lost, sanford and son, sesame street.
RESULTS: GW showing more interest in the content of the shows. his interest peaks when female characters are on screen. he also asked more questions today regarding dress, appearance, and socio-econmic status of the characters. this lead us to our first major breakthrough: GW is unable to realize they are not actual people. he believes these people are real and the event on the screen are actually happening. GW's stress levels are on the rise as a consequence.
day 4- GW asked to watch four hours of TV shows (one episode each) while sitting stationary. today's shows: the real world, seinfeld, king of the hill, deadwood, twilight zone, star trek, WKRP in cincinnatti, saturday night live, peewee's playhouse, gunsmoke, hill street blues, friends.
RESULTS: during the daily wrap up we find GW less interested in the questions and examinations we are carrying out. instead his focus remains w/the characters even after the shows are completed. he speaks less and less about his work and home life, instead choosing to talk w/his interviewers about the events of the TV world. yet even his interest in the TV events is fleeting and whimsical. his attention span is short and we find him harder and harder to get information from, and this after he was so forthcoming and eloquent during our first few visits.
day 5- GW asked to sit stationary for five hours and watch (one episode of each) the fllowing TV shows: 60 minutes, sex and the city, the abbott and costello show, roseanne, the shield, the simpsons, 24, st. elsewhere, the oprah winfrey show, the young and the restless, moonlighting, the monkees, the cosby show, freaks and geeks, the ed sullivan show.
RESULTS: after this, the final day of testing, GW is nearly unresponsive in his post-test interview. he shows signs of interest only when we mention names of characters from shows he has seen. this, after he came to the test today so excited and ready to participate.
two week post-test follow up interview: GW's wife was the main interviewee for this portion of the test as GW has experienced and all by complete emotional shut down. his work has suffered (she says he hasn't even stepped out of the house in days, instead choosing to watch hours upon hours of TV). GW is apathetic toward real life social and political events that drove his life pre-test. his wife has also confessed a liason w/a slave that occurred during GW's recent trance-like state.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Saturday, January 31, 2009
our left foot
Nobody ever thinks about the consequences of having a head growing from your left foot. Except me I guess. But that’s only because I actually have a head growing from my left foot. Everybody wonders how it got there, if I can feel it, if it speaks, if it argues w/me about politics or religion, if it needs to eat, etc., etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. Nobody wants to know that it is a heavy drinker, has inconsistent beliefs, doubts its own self-worth, doesn’t know its parents, etc., etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. These uninteresting things are not party topics. These uninteresting things will not get me laid. What does get me rarely laid is liquor, and my wit. But those are never talked about since I have a blonde haired human head growing from my left foot.
He came to me in a dream. It was an ethereal experience that I almost forgot upon waking but its sheer absurdity imprinted me w/it forever. I believe it was the act of not allowing myself to forget that terrible dream that initiated the growth.
It only took about two weeks for it to appear. This, as you can imagine, was an act of considerable energy- I ate everything I could get my hands on, knowing what I ate would soon become what I envisioned in my dream. I was tired constantly from the amount of expansion my body was going through. I slept too much, did too little else, and had too much emotion to be useful. I felt what I thought a mother must experience when having a whole human utilizing their body for docking base until they can pop out and fend for themselves.
The preparation did me well. My head is a financial expert. He knows when and how to invest money. He is also incredible at trivia. His specialties are literature and pop culture, while mine are sporting games, history, and geography. We compete in local trivia events and we count as only one member- two for the price of one. We get all you can eat buffets for the price of one, as well as airfare and single occupancy rooms at hotels. Things are not all good however. The govt taxes us both, even though his income is derived purely from my doings, and I can’t add him as a dependent. At least he does our taxes so I don’t have to fiddle w/them.
He wanted a dog and I wanted a fish.
We both want to date different women.
He insists on singing whilst we bathe.
I am an extrovert. He is a pessimist.
I spend many hours a week grooming him. He is clean shaven, w/a full head of hair, a slap in the face from the universe that saw fit to curse me w/premature baldness. He hates it when I poop since he just has t sit there and wait for it plop out of me so we can go about our business (even though some of the waste is unavoidably his own, he will never admit to being part of such a base, primitive practice). But pooping is second on his bodily function hate list- peeing inevitably splashes him and he dreads the practice. He also hates to play sports, something which I am fond of. Basketball has always been my favorite, even though he has severely limited my mobility. I can still move pretty well though considering I have a human head growing from my left foot.
Some men use puppies to score- I use my second head.
Some people have pets- I have an extra blonde noggin.
Some wish to win the lottery- I simply want to be able jerk off alone.
My mother met him- once. She was not as smitten by his presence as others he has met. He is an avowed catholic and passionate supporter of the war on terror. He is abrasive and can be dismissive to others’ opinions. He is clever and witty, and difficult to talk to. He will not discuss things he is unfamiliar with. His favorite foods are salads, humus and seafood. He likes to fall asleep watching TV which always leads to arguments about the future.
If we have extra money he wants to see a film and I want to buy a gadget.
If we have extra time he wants to read and I want to go out.
There are worse things that I could have dreamt and had come true. I used to dream about breaking my teeth until I realized they are a loan. Everything is a loan, even our left foot.
He came to me in a dream. It was an ethereal experience that I almost forgot upon waking but its sheer absurdity imprinted me w/it forever. I believe it was the act of not allowing myself to forget that terrible dream that initiated the growth.
It only took about two weeks for it to appear. This, as you can imagine, was an act of considerable energy- I ate everything I could get my hands on, knowing what I ate would soon become what I envisioned in my dream. I was tired constantly from the amount of expansion my body was going through. I slept too much, did too little else, and had too much emotion to be useful. I felt what I thought a mother must experience when having a whole human utilizing their body for docking base until they can pop out and fend for themselves.
The preparation did me well. My head is a financial expert. He knows when and how to invest money. He is also incredible at trivia. His specialties are literature and pop culture, while mine are sporting games, history, and geography. We compete in local trivia events and we count as only one member- two for the price of one. We get all you can eat buffets for the price of one, as well as airfare and single occupancy rooms at hotels. Things are not all good however. The govt taxes us both, even though his income is derived purely from my doings, and I can’t add him as a dependent. At least he does our taxes so I don’t have to fiddle w/them.
He wanted a dog and I wanted a fish.
We both want to date different women.
He insists on singing whilst we bathe.
I am an extrovert. He is a pessimist.
I spend many hours a week grooming him. He is clean shaven, w/a full head of hair, a slap in the face from the universe that saw fit to curse me w/premature baldness. He hates it when I poop since he just has t sit there and wait for it plop out of me so we can go about our business (even though some of the waste is unavoidably his own, he will never admit to being part of such a base, primitive practice). But pooping is second on his bodily function hate list- peeing inevitably splashes him and he dreads the practice. He also hates to play sports, something which I am fond of. Basketball has always been my favorite, even though he has severely limited my mobility. I can still move pretty well though considering I have a human head growing from my left foot.
Some men use puppies to score- I use my second head.
Some people have pets- I have an extra blonde noggin.
Some wish to win the lottery- I simply want to be able jerk off alone.
My mother met him- once. She was not as smitten by his presence as others he has met. He is an avowed catholic and passionate supporter of the war on terror. He is abrasive and can be dismissive to others’ opinions. He is clever and witty, and difficult to talk to. He will not discuss things he is unfamiliar with. His favorite foods are salads, humus and seafood. He likes to fall asleep watching TV which always leads to arguments about the future.
If we have extra money he wants to see a film and I want to buy a gadget.
If we have extra time he wants to read and I want to go out.
There are worse things that I could have dreamt and had come true. I used to dream about breaking my teeth until I realized they are a loan. Everything is a loan, even our left foot.
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