Nobody ever thinks about the consequences of having a head growing from your left foot. Except me I guess. But that’s only because I actually have a head growing from my left foot. Everybody wonders how it got there, if I can feel it, if it speaks, if it argues w/me about politics or religion, if it needs to eat, etc., etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. Nobody wants to know that it is a heavy drinker, has inconsistent beliefs, doubts its own self-worth, doesn’t know its parents, etc., etc., ad nauseum, ad infinitum. These uninteresting things are not party topics. These uninteresting things will not get me laid. What does get me rarely laid is liquor, and my wit. But those are never talked about since I have a blonde haired human head growing from my left foot.
He came to me in a dream. It was an ethereal experience that I almost forgot upon waking but its sheer absurdity imprinted me w/it forever. I believe it was the act of not allowing myself to forget that terrible dream that initiated the growth.
It only took about two weeks for it to appear. This, as you can imagine, was an act of considerable energy- I ate everything I could get my hands on, knowing what I ate would soon become what I envisioned in my dream. I was tired constantly from the amount of expansion my body was going through. I slept too much, did too little else, and had too much emotion to be useful. I felt what I thought a mother must experience when having a whole human utilizing their body for docking base until they can pop out and fend for themselves.
The preparation did me well. My head is a financial expert. He knows when and how to invest money. He is also incredible at trivia. His specialties are literature and pop culture, while mine are sporting games, history, and geography. We compete in local trivia events and we count as only one member- two for the price of one. We get all you can eat buffets for the price of one, as well as airfare and single occupancy rooms at hotels. Things are not all good however. The govt taxes us both, even though his income is derived purely from my doings, and I can’t add him as a dependent. At least he does our taxes so I don’t have to fiddle w/them.
He wanted a dog and I wanted a fish.
We both want to date different women.
He insists on singing whilst we bathe.
I am an extrovert. He is a pessimist.
I spend many hours a week grooming him. He is clean shaven, w/a full head of hair, a slap in the face from the universe that saw fit to curse me w/premature baldness. He hates it when I poop since he just has t sit there and wait for it plop out of me so we can go about our business (even though some of the waste is unavoidably his own, he will never admit to being part of such a base, primitive practice). But pooping is second on his bodily function hate list- peeing inevitably splashes him and he dreads the practice. He also hates to play sports, something which I am fond of. Basketball has always been my favorite, even though he has severely limited my mobility. I can still move pretty well though considering I have a human head growing from my left foot.
Some men use puppies to score- I use my second head.
Some people have pets- I have an extra blonde noggin.
Some wish to win the lottery- I simply want to be able jerk off alone.
My mother met him- once. She was not as smitten by his presence as others he has met. He is an avowed catholic and passionate supporter of the war on terror. He is abrasive and can be dismissive to others’ opinions. He is clever and witty, and difficult to talk to. He will not discuss things he is unfamiliar with. His favorite foods are salads, humus and seafood. He likes to fall asleep watching TV which always leads to arguments about the future.
If we have extra money he wants to see a film and I want to buy a gadget.
If we have extra time he wants to read and I want to go out.
There are worse things that I could have dreamt and had come true. I used to dream about breaking my teeth until I realized they are a loan. Everything is a loan, even our left foot.
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